Billions and billions served

content/posts/billions.md

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+---
+title: "Billions"
+date: 2024-04-13T00:05:33-04:00
+draft: true
+description: "Some short stories inspired by random writing prompts"
+type: "post"
+tags: ["story", "fiction", "random"]
+---
+
+
+A few months ago, I wrote a random writing prompt generator. Here are two stories I wrote using those prompts. I guess I really like fourth walls or something.
+
+## I Love Impeachment
+
+```
+genre: horror
+protagonist: the fourth wall
+name: Trump
+protagonist personality: super annoying and about to make everyone tear their ears off
+companion: your crazy insane spirit animal
+location: all over the entire freaking Earth
+tool: your brain and only your brain
+mission: getting impeached twice
+arch-nemesis: cupcake wrappers
+ironic plot twist ending: you are your own father due to time traveling
+```
+
+Once upon a time, there was a fourth wall for a film about time travel. Now this wasn't just any old casually broken fourth wall, this was Trump the fourth wall. Trump was notorious for being super annoying and about to make everyone tear their ears off, so no one dared to break him. It was oddly effective at impeding illegal immigration.
+
+One day, Trump the fourth wall decided that he needed to make the history books, and he knew just how to do that: getting impeached twice. Not once, since Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton had already beaten him to that, but twice. And even more impressively, Trump vowed to get impeached using only the power of his brain.
+
+Actually, Trump had another assistant: his crazy insane spirit animal, a boisterous slug named Suckerberg. Trump and Suckerberg traveled the globe looking for impeachable offenses to create, but each time, they were stopped by their arch-nemesis, none other than the lowly cupcake wrapper. Picture this: Trump would waltz into Ukraine, demand the Ukrainian president to open an investigation into Hunter Biden, but in the nick of time, the Ukrainian president choked to death on a cupcake wrapper, foiling Trump's plans. How horrible and spooky!
+
+Finally, Trump had enough. He returned back to the film set and carefully sat and pondered. Apparently they were making a time travel film or something? And they even wanted Trump the fourth wall himself to travel back in time?
+
+Trump didn't waste any time. He jumped straight into time machine and cranked the dial back to 1865 to become president instead of Andrew Johnson. Unfortunately, Trump had intentionally forgotten how to read Arabic numerals since they were invented by the same people who had fielded Osama bin Laden, so he instead ended up in 1945, just in time to bump into his own mother. In a shocking turn of events, Trump realized that he was actually his own father! He was so astounded that he simply fainted to death and finally made the history books.
+
+## The Worst Fourth Wall Ever
+
+```
+genre: romance
+protagonist: the fourth wall (all occurrences of "you" refer to the reader of this story)
+name: Elon Musk's mommy
+protagonist personality: really, really, really weird, like seriously really weird
+companion: Paimon from Genshin Impact after plastic surgery
+location: the day after the fair
+tool: a qubit that doesn't even work because it's not 2040 yet
+mission: posting your Social Security number on Facebook
+arch-nemesis: your BMI
+ironic plot twist ending: the cake is a lie
+```
+
+Once upon a time, there was a fourth wall named Elon Musk's mommy. Elon Musk's mommy's role was to separate you from the story, which included her, so she had quite the tough job. Fortunately, she had a really, really, really weird, like seriously really weird personality which definitely helped with her existentially complicated job.
+
+The day after the fair, which is really just an archaic idiom, Elon Musk's mommy bumped into Paimon from Genshin Impact, who had received plastic surgery to look like a camel. Paimon was trying to escape from this story and mug you for extra money for getting more surgeries, but Elon Musk's mommy made sure Paimon didn't bust the fourth wall, AKA herself. Paimon, being the annoying brat she was, mugged Elon Musk's mommy and blackmailed Elon Musk's mommy into posting her Social Security number on Facebook in exchange for giving up her relentless attempts to break the fourth wall.
+
+Sadly, it turns out it's harder than expected to steal your own identity, so the fourth wall unveiled her secret weapon: a qubit that doesn't even work because it's not 2040 yet. Elon Musk's mommy stormed into the Facebook headquarters and threw the qubit at Facebook's most talented quantum computing engineers. The engineers instantly started adoring and worshipping the qubit, throwing the rest of Facebook HQ into chaos. The fourth wall seized the opportunity and effortlessly etched her Social Security number onto the Facebook logo itself and pushed the new logo into production.
+
+But nope, not so fast! A new enemy approaches: your BMI! Yes, we see you right there, reading this story, and seriously, you gotta hit the gym! The fourth wall with its glorious ultrawide dimensions looks skinny compared to you! And since the writing prompt said this had to be a romance, we'll just say you're married to junk food. In fact, you're so horizontally expansive, you squeezed the fourth wall into shreds and Paimon wickedly escaped! Nooooo!!!!
+
+The fourth wall sighed, because what else can you do in this situation? She stood up, defeated, and dragged herself towards the exit door of Facebook HQ. On the way out, she spotted the quantum computing engineers baking a giant, qubit-shaped cake in celebration of the qubit that doesn't even work yet because it's not 2040. The fourth wall decided to have some cake to beef up to withstand your BMI. Soon, the engineers finished baking the cake and hoisted it out of the oven. The fourth wall grabbed a server rack and used it to slice a huge chunk of cake out (hey, she's a big wall with a big appetite) and bit in.
+
+But suddenly, you screamed in pain! That cake was part of you! Your BMI was so gargantuan, part of your arm had also penetrated the fourth wall into the story when you squeezed the fourth wall into shreds and now it's been baked into the cake! You flailed around and eventually extracted your arm out of the story. Happy ending? Not quite. You still have to deal with Paimon the camel who's currently parading along your girth. Have fun! Hey, you'll get some exercise and decrease your risk of heart disease!