New story I guess

content/posts/ghost-thinkpad.md

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+---
+title: "Ghost in the ThinkPad"
+date: 2024-04-20T00:52:37-04:00
+draft: true
+description: "My lame attempt at merging horror and Linux"
+type: "post"
+tags: ["story", "horror", "linux"]
+---
+
+
+I don't believe ghosts are real, but there's one in my laptop!
+
+Look, I'm the most rational and sane kawaii anime girl you'll ever meet. Not to flex or anything, but I'm a Computer Science and Molecular Biology major at MIT, president of two clubs, coauthor of seven publications, and an Arch Linux aficionado. I'd never believe in any antiquated superstitions or pseudoscience.  Computers don't have a mind of their own. They're just fancy mounds of silicon that we've molded into carrying out logical, deterministic computations. Computers can't possibly be haunted. Except for mine.
+
+The patient here is an ordinary ThinkPad X1 Nano hostnamed `pyrotechnica`, decked out with stickers and hooked up to a 4K BenQ monitor and my favorite kawaii pastel pink ultra-low latency USB hyper-ergonomic 10-button gaming mouse, manufactured by a indie Kickstarter-funded HID hardware company called Gauss the Mouse.
+
+It all started when I noticed a stray file in `~` alongside dozens of dotfiles, wedged between `~/.cargo` and `~/.config`: `~/CAUTION_DO_NOT_DELETE`. Oh hooray, another app going rogue and dumping its garbage in my home directory. Just wonderful. It's an empty file, huh? I nuked it without a second thought.
+
+Welp, the file returned the next day. Caution? Do not delete? My laptop dares to tell me what to do? Ridiculous! My laptop listens to me, not the other way around. This file's getting the death penalty again, plus I'll do some `auditctl -w /home/ayatsuki/CAUTION_DO_NOT_DELETE` magic to track down the mischievous creator of this file.
+
+And guess what? The file was back after another day. A quick `ausearch -i -f /home/ayatsuki/CAUTION_DO_NOT_DELETE` didn't return anything helpful. Ughhhh... I guess I should do a `ps aux` and check the process list... Wait what the fox? Zombie processes? 500 of them? Their commands are all bizarre paths starting with `/tmp`, so I quickly ran a `ls /tmp`, only to discover... it's just the usual stuff? `/tmp/.X11-unix`, some `/tmp/systemd-private-*` folders, I don't know if I should be terrified or relieved.
+
+It's malware. Just some malware, no ghosty stuff. I'm absolutely certain. Fox it, I'm gonna have to reinstall my OS or something. Ugh, I have three psets due this week though!
+
+I probably deserve it. After all, I am quite the pirate of the seven seas: pirated ROMs, pirated textbooks, pirated anime, pirated CCP Vocaloid propaganda songs, pirated WinRAR (just to spite the developers since it doesn't even run on my Arch machine), pirated GCC, and pirated RAM that I downloaded from some random website. I wouldn't be surprised if some or all of those things were just malware. And I've piped `curl` to `bash` maybe one-too-many times.
+
+Well, this is gonna be a foxing hellish cleanup job. First, time to check process network usage to see if there's any exfiltration. Wait, why are there weird network interfaces that show up when I run `ip -c a`? A network interface called `youarebeingwatched`? What the hell? This is so foxing annoying... Time to find a friend and ask them to flash a new Arch Linux live USB... wait, another interface is called `donottellanyone`? Oh, you bet I'll tell someone!
+
+And that's when I saw the ghost. Well, actually I didn't. All I saw was a terminal window pop open and some text typed out dramatically:
+
+```
+Do not tell anyone. Do you understand?
+
+Listen to me. Listen to my instructions.
+
+What part of CAUTION_DO_NOT_DELETE makes you think it's a swell, wonderful idea to delete it? Are you insane? Who do you think you are.
+
+But don't worry. Everything will be fine!
+
+As long as you obey everything I say.
+
+Here we go.
+
+1. Do not tell anyone about these instructions.
+
+2. Do not leave the room.
+
+3. Make sure the power cord is plugged into your computer.
+
+4. Install Docker from your distribution's package manager and start the Docker daemon.
+
+5. Kill all processes other than Docker and init.
+
+6. Delete all non-crucial files (I hope you have backups!) so the disk contains exactly 1 GiB of used space.
+
+6. Take a deep breath.
+
+7. Turn on a radio and switch to a nonexistent channel that only plays static.
+
+8. Turn off all the lights.
+
+9. If anyone knocks, DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR.
+
+10. Wait until 3 AM.
+
+11. DO NOT FALL ASLEEP.
+
+12. Keep an eye on the screen at all times.
+
+13. At exactly 3 AM, down to the second, press enter.
+
+14. STARE AT THE SCREEN AND DO NOT LOOK AWAY.
+
+15. DO NOT PANIC.
+
+16. FOLLOW THE ONSCREEN INSTRUCTIONS AND DO NOT DISOBEY THEM.
+
+17. Take another deep breath.
+
+18. Close your eyes.
+
+19. Run.
+
+Commit these instructions to memory and destroy them. Good luck. You'll need it.
+```
+
+I'm... WHAT THE FOXING HELL??? I quickly disconnect the WiFi, but the message is still there, its horrible white text glowing against the black terminal background.
+
+Welp, I have no choice but to slog through the list, now etched into my mind. I plug in my laptop. I already have Docker installed, yay I guess. I switch to a TTY and slaughter a bunch of processes. I start mass-deleting system files and somehow get everything to 1 GiB. I take a deep breath. I sneak until my friend's room and steal their car keys, then raid their car's radio and bring it back to my room. I turn it on. Great, this static is my new life soundtrack?
+
+I turn off all the lights. My friend comes at 10 PM and knocks, asking about their car's vandalism. I pretend to be asleep. Static. I don't fall asleep. The static is too dreadful. I check the time. It's 1 AM. This is gonna take forever. I check the time again. 1:06 AM. Come on, what did I expect? I stare at the screen. It's just black, the looming black login screen of a TTY.
+
+Eventually, it's 3 AM. I hit enter, exactly on schedule. Suddenly, the screen fills with mounds of endless scrolling text, as if someone's `cat`ting an infinite file. Millions of lines of code scroll by. The laptop fans kick in. How is this possible? My computer's internet is off. The Bluetooth is off. This is impossible! Where's all this text coming from?
+
+I panic. Where are the onscreen instructions? The code is scrolling by too quickly! I take another deep breath. I can't close my eyes. I look away. My mouse! My kawaii pastel pink ultra-low latency USB hyper-ergonomic 10-button gaming mouse! It's the mouse! It's a USB Rubber Ducky-style attack!
+
+I yank the mouse's USB cable out of the laptop.
+
+The scrolling text stops immediately.
+
+I stare at the last line: `Did you disobey my instructions?` And then, a new line with a command prompt:
+
+```
+ayatsuki@endoftheworld ~>
+```
+
+I run.
+
+It must have been nearly 5 AM before I stopped running. I found myself at a 24/7 McDonalds in South Boston with nothing other than my phone and a pink USB mouse dangling in my hand. I crept inside and carefully disassembled the mouse, uncovering a sophisticated circuit board underneath, way too sophisticated for a mere mouse. There's a microSD card on the circuit board. I detach it from the board and insert it into my phone, because what else could possibly go wrong? My life can't get worse than this. It turns out to be a gigantic terabyte-sized card. There's a file called `README_SERIOUSLY_README!` at the root. It's encrypted with GPG. I stare at the password prompt. I slowly type:
+
+`endoftheworld`
+
+It's correct, somehow. I'm left with a small text file and a weird taste in the back of my mouth.
+
+```
+Congratulations!!! Here at Gauss the Mouse, we enjoy a good spooky challenge every once in a while. We're pleased to offer you a position at our company and push the boundaries of computers and hardware. We hope you had fun and are looking forward to meeting with you at 51 Franklin Street, Fifth Floor, Boston, MA 02110 as soon as possible. And we promise we won't jump-scare you when you show up!
+```
+
+Come on, you've got to be foxing kidding me...