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CALUMNY
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Anthony Wang 2024-01-20 14:37:04 -05:00
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---
title: "Calumny"
date: 2024-01-20T13:25:05-05:00
description: "Where Ben Qi's secret will be revealed for once and for all"
type: "post"
tags: ["humor", "fun", "shaggy-dog-story", "story", "fiction", "benq"]
---
*This is a sequel to [Miasma](/posts/miasma)*
Oh, joy! Another sequel? Maybe we'll actually learn Ben Qi's secret this time. Now, enter Calumny, the slander-loving sister of Ennui and Miasma with a personality more depthless than a tabloid. How utterly charming.
Ben's viral meltdown was literally a magnet to Calumny, and she quickly devoted herself towards discovering Ben's secret. Forget about personal boundaries. Just imagine the mouthwatering gossip potential!
Anyways, Calumny's first genius plan was to organize a fake IOI consisting of only the A Plus B problem and join the exclusive club of IOI winners. Unfortunately, the contest attracted the attention of Ben too, who swooped in, smashed his keyboard, and cleared all the test cases faster than Calumny could open her IDE. Ben might have lost half of his brain cells, but his fingers were still perfectly intact. Oh well, no IOI gold medal for you!
Next, Calumny tried a side-channel attack of obtaining the secret through Ennui. Well actually, after falling into the abyss of boredom again, Ennui was back on the Trans-Siberian Railway, far, far away. Welp, that won't work, so back to the drawing board.
Another stroke of genius: hide secret microphones in pack of instant ramen to eavesdrop on Ben's conversations! Oh oops, Ben just microwaved the ramen, transforming the microphones into gooey carcinogens.
Undeterred, Calumny attempted to disguise herself as a giant Oreo and waltz right into Ben's house. That plan quickly derailed though after Ben hoisted the Oreo into his oven and wondering why it was screaming.
Exasperated, Calumny yelled, "Ben, put me down! I'm Calumny, Ennui's sister, not some bakery product!"
"Huh? What? Why are you in my house?"
"Spill the Oreos, Ben! What's your deep, dark secret anyways?"
"Oh..." Ben nodded, "You could have just asked me. So here's my secret. Are you ready? Here it is. I hate competitive programming! Competitive programming sucks! My real passion is fulfilling my eternal dream of baking the world's largest Oreo!"
Actually, this story is entirely just calumny.