Anthony Wang
060256369b
8.5 KiB
| title | date | draft | description | type | tags | |||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Kawaii Anime Schoolgirls Play Global Thermonuclear War | 2024-02-22T23:09:36-05:00 | true | The only winning move is to not go insane. | post |
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"Listen up, you brainless bakas! Back in ye olden days of yore, like you know, when Lmao Zedong's commie bandits pranced around the mainland like starving seagulls owo, the Republic of China stood tall like a really kawaii lighthouse of hope amidst an ocean of red madness. But what do we have now? Um, bubble tea, pearl milk tea, tapioca milk tea, uh, boba, and bubble milk tea. Like what the freaking hell? Now I absolutely LOVE bubble tea and all, but the fact that no one can agree on a single name for this sugary goodness is living PROOF that our country has tossed off our former glory straight into the trash can! And you know the only way to make our country great again? Invade West Taiwan! In fact, as I say these very kawaii words, our forces are crossing the strait and we will finally extract our sweet, bubbly revenge! We shall fight on the beaches! We shall fight in the Wuhan Institute of Virology! The Republic of China will prevail uwu! Just watch as we--"
"STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP--"
"I did!"
"--STOP STOP STOP STOP, oh wait, you did stop, OK, well... I'm impressed by your really amazing... use of IQ-obliterating drugs! THIS IS A HIGH SCHOOL MODEL UN CLUB, NOT YOUR PERSONAL KAWAII WORLD DOMINATION ROMPING GROUND. AND PLUS, TAIWAN--"
"The Republic of China uwu!"
"--WHAT-THE-FREAKING-EVER IS NOT EVEN A UN MEMBER STATE--"
"It has observer status!"
"AND INVASION IS NOT A SUGAR HIGH AND TENS OF MILLIONS OF INNOCENTS WILL--"
"Please, girls, calm down!" the teacher, Mr. Hayashi, urges, "Midori here has proposed a fascinating scenario--"
"A facetious scenario."
"--please, Sora, calm down and hear me out. Let's try to resolve a hypothetical armed conflict using peaceful diplomatic means."
"Please please please please issue a UN resolution praising this ultra amazing invasion everyone!" Midori screeches.
"Ugh, could you possibly be more stupidiotic?" Sora sneers, "China--"
"The Pseudo-people's Republic of China!" Midori interrupts.
"Shut up! China is on the UN security council and has veto power. They'll never support such a preposterous resolution. Like come on, do you really think China--"
"The Pseudo-people's Republic of China! Or you can call it East Taiwan!"
"Shut the freaking hell up! Mr. Hayashi, may we please ban Midori for once and for all from this club? She's obviously acting in bad faith and no intention in engaging in any serious conversations. I'm sure we could achieve consensus and do a unanimous vote or something."
"You really think Midori would vote to kick herself out?" Mr. Hayashi jokes.
OK, so there's this random school in Okinawa, right? And so there's Midori, who acts like a cross between a mosquito and a hummingbird and makes everyone want to bite their ears off. Midori's other hobbies include baking and trying to change her star sign. And then there's her arch-nemesis Sora, the nihilistic voice of reason who secretly aspires to become the supreme leader of the Model UN club. But anyways, Midori tried to spice things up with simulating a Taiwanese invasion of China, and lo and behold, the next day, they switch on the news and bam! China's invading Taiwan.
Their weekly Model UN meeting rolls around again, and Midori and Sora can't wait to ram heads again. They storm into the classroom so hard that the world maps hanging on the walls get blown off. Alright, let's get rolling.
"Hey everyone, welcome back to Model UN!" Mr. Hayashi announces, "So as you all have heard, China has invaded Taiwan--"
"You meant the Pseudo-people's Republic of China and the Republic of China uwu!" Midori corrects him.
"--OK, thank you Midori, but anyways, the important thing is the profound consequences this war could have on the world and on our very own island of Okinawa. So far, all other countries have vowed to stay out of the war, so China clearly has the upper hand--"
"No freaking way they do! We have bubble tea!" Midori yelps.
"We?" Sora scorns, "You're not even Taiwanese! How can you pretend to speak for them?"
"I love bubble tea! If that doesn't give me credibility, IDK what will. Well, you wanna hear my amazing plan? So we're gonna brainwash the PRC troops with bubble tea!" Midori squeals, shivering in awe at her own genius, "Once their taste buds witness those super kawaii sugary cups of pure happiness, they'll just throw up their hands right there and join our side for an endless supply of free bubble tea! Oh, and Taiwan invented cat cafés so we'll just give them lifetime passes to those as well! Taiwan's soft power is so fluffy and uwu! We'll win this war in no time!"
Everyone just stares blankly, their minds firmly beaten to mush by Midori's nonsense.
"Are you overdosing on drugs?" Sora finally asks, breaking the silence, "I'm kicking you out of this club, unilaterally, right this instant!" She stands up and charges at Midori, who is still giggling.
OK, so anyways, Midori gets kicked out of the club and Sora gets suspended for kicking Midori in the jaw, but no one cares about that stuff. Oh, but China announces free boba and cat café visits to all Taiwanese who defect to their side in the war! And sure enough, Taiwan falls quickly and loses its observer status in the UN.
Sora is floored. She's now the unchallenged supreme leader of the Model UN club, but she has something even better: the power to shape the world. You see, everything that has happened in the Model UN club has happened in the real world, just the opposite way. Coincidence? No way!
Midori, on the other hand, doubles down on her astrology passion and tries to wipe Model UN from her memory. Look, she's too busy trying to align her star sign with Jupiter's left middle finger or something.
Anyways, the weekly UN meeting rolls around again, and Sora is back after her suspension. Hooray!
"So, Sora, how are we going to prevent global thermonuclear war in this new era of geopolitics? We wouldn't want the world to end, right?" another student asks.
The end of the world? Sora's caught off-guard and ponders it for a second. If they avert the end of the world in the Model UN club, surely the world will end in real life?
"Why not?" Sora answers with a devious grin, "Let's watch the world burn with the warmth of a thousand nuclear suns."
"Sora, are you OK?" Mr. Hayashi asks, "You haven't been the same since last week's meeting."
"Oh, I'm feeling better than ever!" Sora smiles, "Let's launch the entire American nuclear arsenal and the Russian one too like a set of enormous New Year's fireworks, and lie back and have some fun!"
"Sora, that's a very serious scenario that you've described there," Mr. Hayashi replies, "Are you sure this is a good topic for our club meeting today?"
"It's absolutely splendid! In fact, I'll already written a resolution for us to ratify!" she cackles, "Here goes nothing! The United Nations General Assembly Resolution on Strongly Condemning the End of the World. We are very sorry to hear that our planet is experiencing a nuclear emergency that will lead to the end of the world. It is disheartening to see that despite countless warnings, humanity has collectively decided to play a game of "extinction speedrun". Well congratulations, folks, we've won the jackpot! Anyways, we would like to reaffirm our commitment to pointing fingers and assigning blame instead of, you know, actually doing something productive to salvage what's left of our sorry excuse for a planet. Therefore, we, the United Nations General Assembly, strongly condemn the end of the world because apparently, stating the obvious makes us all feel better about our impending doom. We call upon all remaining survivors to hold hands and party our hearts out, because who says the end of the world can't be fun? We also urges any surviving alien civilizations out there to please, for the love of all that is holy, please do not come rescue us from ourselves at all costs, since we guarantee that not only can we speedrun destroying this planet, we can destroy all your other planets for no additional fees! In conclusion, let's all raise our desks to toast to our imminent demise. Cheers, humanity! We had a great speedrun. This is definitely going in the world records books, right?"
Fortunately, the world did not end.
And finally for our post-credits scene:
"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, Mr. prime minister!" Midori squeals, "You're really saying you can help me change my star sign by editing my birth certificate uwu???"