Anthony Wang
aed2fd76f6
2.7 KiB
| title | date | draft | description | type | tags | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Petroleum | 2023-04-03T14:41:18Z | true | An oddly consistent time travel story | post |
|
It's an important 21st-century skill to know how to respond in the event of finding a panda and giraffe committing tax fraud on your driveway.
Meet Pema, an ordinary overcaffeinated kawaii kemonomimi hyrax objectified Tibetan teenage anime schoolgirl. Apparently 1) There are driveways in Tibet 2) There is a panda and giraffe on her driveway frauding their way through their tax forms.
"I'm Mao Zedong II," the panda introduces himself, "A friendly genocidal Qinling panda. Call me II. And this is my buddy Aleq, a professional spammer giraffe with a penchant for portmanteaus."
"Penchanteaus," Aleq adds.
"Sounds cool, but why're y'all trespassing on my driveway?" Pema squeals.
"We're trying to figure out how to report capital gains from time traveling on our tax returns," II explains.
"WAIT, TIME TRAVEL???" Pema interjects.
Aleq replies, "Yeah, we mugged a Sinopec employee last week and discovered secret docs about Sinopec's time machine that they're using to travel back to 66,000,000 BCE and bury more dinos. Sinosaurs. And you helped us storm the Sinopec lab and steal the time machine! The tichine! And where else to park our tichine than your driveway?"
"Huh what? What the f? I never stole a time machine or tichine or whatever with you two weirdos."
This puzzles II and Aleq until suddenly, II sreams, "AHA! YOUR FUTURE SELF DID! You're DESTINED to help us!" And with that, II shoves Pema into the time machine, which whisks her back to last week. The Sinopec time machine heist was actually super boring, so we'll just skip it. Pema then travels forward a week and discovers her driveway is now a smoldering mess, with the main attraction being Mao Zedong II's corpse. Aleq is standing horrified, his face contorted with fear.
"OMG what happened???" Pema asks.
"Maotroleum." Aleq replies, "His last words were "I'll get you, even if you fossilize me!"" Mao had been murdered by that Sinopec employee from earlier and would now partake in a totally humane experiment of having his remains sent to 66,000,000 BCE and turned into petroleum!
"We have to go back in time to save II!" Pema says, determined.
Aleq shook his neck, "The past is fixed. We can't change it, only be changed by it."
"Surely there's something we can do?"
"Well, how about crying?"
"Wait... I know... we have to go back to the Sinopec lab. Aleq, do you have a flamethrower?"
The two return to the lab and burn the whole thing to the ground, igniting all the experimentally-produced petroleum in sight.
"Hey Aleq," Pema asks, "Do you realize what's in that petroleum? I never knew Mao Zedong II's dead body could be so useful!"